Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
