i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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