So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
