no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
