I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
