What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
