Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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