You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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