Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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