I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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