i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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