You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
