Plan B is the new Plan A
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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