I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
