I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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