Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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