I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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