I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize