If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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