I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
