happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
