how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
