Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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