You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
