i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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