I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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