Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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