look no pants
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
