Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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