If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
