Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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