Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize