party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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