i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
