The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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