My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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