it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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