Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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