I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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