I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
