I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
