that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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