God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
