does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
