If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
