i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
