I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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