I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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