Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
