If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Farmville is her only friend.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Your cock deserves a montage
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
