I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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